Dudes in Prison & the Hot Babes That Love Them: Incarceration in 1980s Hard Rock/Metal Music Videos

The concept of incarceration in the real world is terrifying. Anytime you lose autonomy via a highly flawed system, and then are forced to be with your fellow humans in the ugliest iteration of Lord of the Flies, it equals total sheer nightmare fuel.

So imagine all of this, but your cellmates are the members of the band Krokus.

Forgive the lack of a trigger warning for such a mental abomination, but if we’re going to have any hope in hell to make our own heaven, we too have to visit where angels fear to tread.

Heavy metal and its less dramatic brother, hard rock, are musical genres primed for exploring themes of rebellion, repression, lust, and longing. While many (wrong) music critics over time have written off the genres as lowest common denominator pap, few musical expressions, short of old country and even older opera, have tapped into such ragged emotions and human experiences.

Candlemass "Bewitched"....which is AMAZING, btw.

So when the music video age started going from dawn to noon, what better musical genre to be explored visually than metal? Some of the results did not disappoint, from themes of lycanthropy in Ozzy Osborne’s “Bark at the Moon,” the menacing medieval-style apocalyptic dystopia of Ronnie James Dio’s “Holy Diver” and “Last in Line,” the horrors of war through Dalton Trumbo’s lens with Metallica’s “One,” even the glorious mozzarella of the macabre with Candlemass’ “Bewitched,” and more. But like all music videos, certain tropes started to immediately rear their heads, and while if you talked to some Tipper Gore-acolyte from that era, you would be convinced that the main themes were nearly naked nubile nymphos straddling a sacrificial altar to Satan himself. First of all I wish and secondly, fuck Tipper Gore. Fascism has no place in a world with a beating heart and a shred of hope.

In fact, the trope in question is the theme of members of the metal band in question being incarcerated while pining for some freedom and the hot babes attached to it. It’s like if Roger Corman took the women-in-prison subgenre and said, “What if we keep the sexy guards and wardens, but replace the prisoners with gnarly metal and rock guys?”

Marty Balin proving why he was the REAL man in Jefferson Airplane/Starship

Glory, glory hallelujah, why let Corey Hart have all the fun? That pretty boy couldn’t have had a hard time getting some primo poontang, but the lead singer of Grim Reaper? That could be a different story! What about Marty Balin, you ask? My genius friend and cooler-than-us-all she-ro Rachel McPadden Doughty has brought up that too-hot-for-MTV clip featuring the manliest member of Jefferson Airplane (Sorry, Paul!) getting almost totally naked for his art while daydreaming about love in a jail cell and for good reason…it’s great! But sorry, Marty. Metal Edge or Hit Parader never did a fold-out poster of you and your glorious Balin buns, so I’ll write your ode later!

When you think of 1980s iconic hard rock and heavy metal bands that should be in prison, Germany’s Scorpions do not deserve to be the first band that comes to mind. (Multiply that tenfold if we’re talking about the 1970s when Uli Jon Roth was in the band. All hail, Uli!) Unlike some of their 1970s hard rock peers, the Scorpions made the transition to the music video age of the 80s with ease. Between having an established presence on channels like MTV and polishing up their signature sound, the band would end up enjoying their biggest commercial success in the decade of excess.

All of this could only mean one thing…it was time for them to go to jail! In the music video for their 1982 song, “No One Like You,” we see the band’s lead singer, Klaus Meine incarcerated, along with the rest of the Scorpions, at San Francisco’s infamous Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary. On the outside, an elegant blonde (Sandra Wilder) waits for him. In one of the quickest tracking shots known to man, we get brief glimpses of the non-Meine members as their lead singer is being escorted from death row to what looks like, an inevitable demise via capital punishment.

The big question this brings up that is never answered is what did Klaus do to be sentenced to death? I don’t like “Winds of Change” either, but shit, it’s not THAT bad. The video does get some extra points for recreating Gottfried Helnwein’s great cover art for Blackout, the album “No One Like You” is off of via one of the stranger prisoners breaking free from his captors. On the original cover for Blackout, it is Helnwein’s face that is screaming while his head is wrapped in white bandages and his eyes are shrouded with glasses shaped like twisted forks. For years, I always assumed that the man on the cover was the band’s longtime guitarist Rudolf Schenker. However, in the music video, it IS Schenker as the screaming Blackout figure, making him the band member who gets the second-most screen time after Klaus.

As far as this tiny subgenre of music videos goes, “No One Like You” is a slightly subdued effort. There are no intercut shots of the band miming to the song and despite the dark implication of the ending, it all ends up being only a dream as Klaus wakes up, giving us a peek of his kleine briefs. Other than a quick vision of his blonde love in a gimp mask and leather bikini-type top, which by the way is utterly amazing, the most skin we see is courtesy of Klaus Meine. You’re welcome, bros.

Klaus Meine's tribute to Marty Balin's Hearts Video.

It’s a simple video for a good Scorpions track. Also, some random trivia, but Sandra Wilder would go on to appear in the music video for Huey Lewis & the News, “If This is It.”

Now, let’s go from Alcatraz to Alcatrazz, with the video for their 1983 song, “Island in the Sun.” Directed by Michael Miner, who also helmed the absolutely batshit music video for Y&T’s “Mean Streak,” “Island in the Sun” operates in stark contrasts. Namely between the sun-kissed island beaches and the stark gray of cement jail cell walls. Now, like “No One Like You,” we see the band’s album cover recreated, in this case from the band’s debut LP, No Parole from Rock’n’Roll. Unlike “No One Like You,” there are no shots of the lead singer’s underwear and we actually get to see a little more of the rest of the band via mugshots with their names. This is such a nice touch, especially since 99 percent of music videos barely show the keyboardist, bassist, or drummer for more than like 2 seconds, much less show their actual names! Speaking of names, while this first iteration of the band gets namechecked for featuring a young Yngwie Malmsteen on guitar, for me, the true star is singer Graham Bonnet.

In the hallowed halls of great rock vocalists, there should be a big statue of Bonnet in it. Whether it’s his solo work, which includes a blistering version of Bob Dylan’s “It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue” to his work with Rainbow, the Michael Schenker Group (speaking of the Scorpions!), Blackthorne, Impellitteri, and of course, Alcatrazz, Bonnet brings the vocal verve, gravitas, and overall, BIGNESS. It’s singers like Graham, Eric Bloom, Glenn Hughes, Rob Halford, Dio, Ian Gillan, Klaus Meine, and so many others that help give this genre depth, heart, and color.

While “No One Like You” was fairly subtle by rock video cha-cha girls standards, “Island in the Sun” makes up for some lost time, between the bikini blonde of prisoner Graham’s dreams to the glammed-up guards straight out of a skin-soaked b-movie. Also, since this is the early 1980s, there is also a comical lead female guard who is serving Balbricker (our Holy Lady of the Nutcrushing from Porky’s) meets Pat Ast realness.

As mentioned with “No One Like You,” once again the biggest question that arises is what specific crime was committed to warrant long-term incarceration but even the death penalty in some cases. In “Island in the Sun,” it’s guitarist Malmsteen that is doing the shred solo walk of last rites. (Perhaps the penal system got a glimpse of his future solo masturbatory work and decided to end it all before it was too late?) If one were to make an educated guess, the assumption is that these bands are guilty of one and one crime only: R-O-C-K-I-N-G!

Objectively, “Island in the Sun'' is not one of Alcatrazz’s harder-rocking numbers, especially when compared to other tracks off of their debut, like the incredible “Jet to Jet.” That said, it's a fine example of the band’s ability to be a little more on the poppy side whenever needed. Is it one of their best tracks? Not even close but in an era that by the end of the decade begat White Lion, Bon Jovi, and Firehouse,” it’s solid. Plus, how often do you get to see Graham Bonnet blow up a prison cell with dynamite and sit beachside in a shot that predates and yet calls forward to Tom Atkins’ dream in Night of the Creeps (1986)?

From beachy escapes to a cameo from Tromaville’s number one janitor-turned-superhero, is the 1987 music video from the New Wave of British Heavy Metal band Grim Reaper and their song, “Rock You to Hell.” (Not to be confused with their other titular “Hell” songs, like “See You in Hell,” “All Hell Let Loose,” “From Hell,” or “Come Hell or High Water.” I’m disappointed that the band that also gave us songs like “Suck It & See” never wrote something like “Luvin’ You (In Hell)” or “Hobbling’n’Gobblin on my Love Knob (in Hell).” I can fucking dream.)

If you’re wanting something romantic or tasteful, then why the heck are you watching and listening to Grim Reaper’s “Rock You to Hell”?!? Prison in this universe is littered with hot prison guard chicas and, in a strange move, a warden who would look more at home in a Jordache Jeans commercial than a metal music video. She’s pretty but would inspire a song my newly formed 1980s style hard rock band, Malibooze, will write called, “Ain’t No Hot Math Nerds at Gazzari’s.” That aside, we do see some new twists here, including the band playing for hordes of headbanging prisoners and lead singer, the late Steve Grimmett, strapped in a straight jacket.

This and the song “Lust for Freedom” were recorded by Grim Reaper and used in the 1987 Troma release, Lust for Freedom. (Appropriately enough!) So the prison theme not only works as a subgenre of metal music videos but also ties directly to the film, which is a women-in-prison picture. So, it is only natural that the video grants us a cameo from the hardest-working superhero himself, Toxie aka the Toxic Avenger! He even gets to work his way up from janitor to lead guard by the end of the video.

Oh, and the band Grim Reaper uses their presence and music to terrorize Jordache Jeans warden, who ends up replacing Grimmett in the straight jacket. “Hell” is more metaphorical here, depending on your tolerance for B-tier NWOBHM or love of Beavis & Butthead. (If you know, you know.)

From the ridiculous to the once sublime, then milquetoast, though now rock solid again, is the 1988 cover of Christopher Cross’ smash 1980 AOR hit, “Ride Like the Wind” from metal legends, Saxon. Before anything else is said about this cover, song, or music video, please know that Saxon is a fantastic band. Their 1981 album, Denim & Leather, is one of the best metal releases from the entire decade, if not of all time, to their recent Hell, Fire, & Damnation, Saxon is a mighty mighty force.

“Ride Like the Wind” is not the best example of the power of this band, but objectively, it’s not bad. But when you know what these men are capable of, it just hits like a gulp of lukewarm milk. There is also the question of if choosing a Christopher Cross song is a ballsy move or a terrible one. Perhaps it’s a bit of both! But song aside, what about the music video?

Of all the prisons examined, the one in “Ride Like the Wind” might be the most lenient of the mad bunch! For starters, lead singer Biff Byford has the following in his cell: a working turntable, nice luggage, clean clothes, and to top it all off, one chic-ass, jet-black recliner. We do get to see the rest of the band, though poor Paul Quinn, OG guitarist, and my second favorite member, gets saddled with a sombrero and is usually tucked away in a corner. Was the cameraman told, “Hey, only focus on the guys with the poofy hair! Throw that big hat on the hairline guy and keep him on the periphery at max!”

Speaking of odd production approaches, approximately 90% of the screen time Biff gets is this very tight close-up of his face. Usually, when music video directors do this, it’s to try to skirt around things like a receding hairline or another type of perceived physical “flaw.” But it’s weird because unless there was something going on behind the scenes, like an injury, the overuse of this shot is just strange. Plus, Biff has great hair! Hell, he looks even more badass now than he did in the 1980s.

Biff in 2024's music video for "Fire & Steel"

Also, I would be remiss if I did not mention the trio of fashion models in their form-fitting LA Gear-style clothes breaking in to break Biff Byford out! Perhaps this is my inner-trash-cat talking, but whenever hard rock and metal videos feature these sleeker creatures of conventional beauty, I feel the vibe of a lost opportunity. Mainly, I want to replace the fashion models with some of the scrappier and sassier women from some of the more colorful dens of iniquity. The woman that gets arrested while competing in a “Larry’s Hot Bodz Contest?” PUT HER IN THE VIDEO. That’s my queen, right there. Queen Sharla or Tammi Lyn.

I digress.

“Ride Like the Wind” might feel like a misstep, but at the end of the day, it’s still Saxon, and hell, they still occasionally whip this one up in live shows, so clearly, there is affection for this song. Affection is a word that I cannot use for this next and final band.

Sigh.

1983 was a year of a number of natural disasters, as well as ever-increasing tensions between the US and the then-USSR.

It was also the year that the music video for Krokus’ “Screaming in the Night” was released.

Dude wishing he was half as cool as Marty Balin or Klaus Meine

Out of all the videos mentioned previously, this one is the most out-of-the-box, since it opts for a futuristic, The Road Warrior/Mad Max II-meets-fantasy world as opposed to a proper brick-and-mortar prison. Director Joe Dea, who also made the LoFi and still creepy “Jeopardy” for the Greg Kihn Band, incorporates creativity and unique world-building. It’s just too bad it was used for Krokus and this bombastic song. A stranger’s soiled thong in a stew of spoiled cat food still rocks harder than Krokus.

1983 was a bit early for the whole cheesy rock ballad trend, but yet here was Krokus, being the worst kind of trendsetters. In the video, the lead is, unsurprisingly, the lead singer, which for Krokus, is Marc Storace. Side note about this man, according to his Wikipedia entry, he is also known as Marc “The Voice” Storace. Why do I have a gut feeling he gave himself that nickname? He’s not a bad singer at all, but when we have already heard guys like frigging Klaus Meine, Graham Bonnet, Biff Byford, and even Steve Grimmett, who is really underrated as a vocalist, “the voice” my ass! Even his nickname is lame. You know why Rob Halford doesn’t call himself “The Voice?” Because he doesn’t have to. He just IS.

Anyways, Marc and his pretty love interest are harassed by some stout evil guy who is as mirthful as he is handsy. The woman is kidnapped and Marc gets locked away. She gets free long enough to find her love, only to be murdered right in front of “the Voice” by Evil McLaughy. The song and the video must go on as he is able to escape not only from his cell but that realm altogether as he emerges in a modern-day diner! And whose face is on the small TV but a woman who looks just like his slain love! Holy, A-Ha, Batman! As for the rest of the band, I’m sure they are in there, but there is so much focus given to the lead singer, that it doesn’t matter. Somehow, that was more tolerable when I was listening to Klaus or Biff.

Now, when it comes to heavy metal incarceration in music videos, the field undoubtedly expands past this wild handful. Yet from the Toxic Avenger to Herman Ze German and more, we have gotten to deep dive into this strange little subgenre of music video history. Even better, there is a lesson to be learned from such cultural travels, which is that crime never pays…unless you’re the lead singer of a hard rock/metal band, then you’re fine.